How can you improve your relationship with your stepfather?
Any changes in the family affect the relationship between immediate family, and sometimes create problems. And if the mother decided to start building a personal life, then the appearance of a man can be perceived as a child ambiguous. But if everyone makes an effort, stepfather will be able to take his place in the family and find a common language with all its members.
How are the child and stepfather relationships: important factors of influence
The relationship between the child and the stepfather is influenced by the following factors:
- When the parents separated. If the father left the family for a long time and did not show interest in the child, then it will be easier to accept the new man. If the father and mother broke up recently, then the stepfather will be perceived as a barrier preventing family reunification, or completely unnecessary and a stranger.
- The reasons for the separation of parents. It's all very difficult and ambiguous. For example, if a dad behaved aggressively, drank and showed physical strength, then the son or daughter may begin to experience distrust and hatred for all men.And in the case of a quiet separation, the child may hope for the reunion of the parents and assume that the new man interferes with this.
- The age of the child and stepfather. The smaller the difference, the easier it is for two people to find a common language, but not everything is so simple. For example, it will be difficult for a child to understand where his own father has gone, why someone has appeared in the house. A teenager may not accept change, show discontent and character.
- Relationship in the family. If mother and child communicate in confidence and on an equal footing, then the woman will be able to tell about her feelings for the new man and intentions, test the ground and prepare the child for change, as well as to know his opinion in advance. It is also important what the situation was in the presence of a biological father.
- Relationship child with dad. If they communicate, it is unlikely that the stepfather will be able to take the place of the head of the family, but he is quite capable of becoming a friend to the stepdaughter or stepchild. If there is no connection with the father, then the child, eager for male support and attention of the male parent, may try to find all this in his stepfather, and here it is important to respond to the attempts and show an intention to make contact.
- The characters of man and child.There is such a concept - “they didn’t agree with the characters,” and it applies not only to the couple, but also to the stepfather and the stepson or stepdaughter. If people are different, it will be difficult for them to begin to interact and find a common language.
- The sex of the child. If this is a stepchild, it will be easier for him to communicate with a representative of the same sex, although a boy or boy may begin to be jealous of his mother for a man who has appeared in the family, especially if his mother was single. A girl with an unfamiliar male representative is more difficult to build communication, and it can strain or embarrass even the presence of an outsider in the house.
How to behave mom?
How to improve the relationship of the child with a new family member, if this stepfather? A lot depends on the behavior of a woman, because she is at the same time the mother of her child (or children) and the beloved woman of a new family member. Therefore, its task is to do everything in order to understand how to build interaction, avoid conflicts and establish contacts.
So how should a mom behave? Follow recommendations:
- Act gradually. Begin acquaintance with your lover should be long before living together. As soon as the intentions of the men became serious,and he earned trust, should be presented to his child, for example, as an acquaintance or friend (as a new lover of his mother, he can be immediately perceived as an enemy). You can often invite a lover in the house, leave him with the child. If communication is getting better, you can change the status of a man to a real one, presenting him as a potential or future spouse. Then the child is aware of the changes that have occurred, will be able to get used to them painlessly, as his stepfather will already know.
- Do not require the child and lover to quickly accept each other. For a woman, each of them is a native person, but for each other they are, in fact, strangers. It is necessary to give time for acquaintance and getting used to the new conditions of life in the family.
- Do not compare your own father with your stepfather. These are two different people with different statuses. If the dad communicates with his son or daughter, then do not stop him to keep in touch. But if the father does not participate in the life of the child, then the stepfather can gradually gain trust and respect, becoming, if not a full-fledged dad, then a reliable friend.
- Do not require children to immediately accept a new family member.At first, he will be perceived as a stranger, and this is normal. Gradually, provided the correct behavior of the woman and her new lover, the child gets used to the person who has appeared in the house, he will perceive it as a given and an integral part of the family. But all takes time and patience.
- In case of conflicts between a child and a new civil or legal spouse, a woman should take a neutral position and accept the opinions of both parties.
Behavior of the stepfather
A lot depends on the stepfather’s behavior. Yes, it is not easy, because you have to settle in a new house, join another family, get used to living and living together with your beloved woman and her child, build relationships and try to gain trust and authority.
Tips will help to smooth corners, avoid conflicts and more quickly merge into a new family team:
- What is important is participation in the life of the family, genuine interest in everything that happens in the house and with its inhabitants. But do not ask a lot of questions and try to get to the bottom of the truth: if the child does not want to make contact, do not impose. Perhaps the situation will change over time.
- Fathers should talk more about themselves and their lives so that a stepdaughter or step-son can know him better, learn character and habits, learn more about the past.
- A man can and must express his opinion, but gently, without imposing it or proving his case (even if it is obvious).
- We must try to smooth out conflicts and avoid them. In controversial situations you need to understand the fact, figuring out the reasons for omissions and misunderstandings. Helpful conversations, discussion of what is happening.
- Children are sensitive and notice false, so you need to behave naturally, the more relaxed, the better. Trying to please everyone, you can cause hostility and distrust.
- Unacceptable moralizing. Although the stepfather can take part in the upbringing, his role is secondary, the main part is given to the mother. A man can express his opinion, offer options, describe illustrative examples.
- If the child is brought up by his own mother and stepfather together, it is important to choose and maintain one line, to follow a common policy.
- It is necessary to understand that a new person in a house should follow the rules of life in it, take into account the established life and not try to change everything (at least, at once, sharply and dramatically).
How does a child build a relationship with his stepfather?
What to do babyto quickly get used to his stepfather and establish normal relations with him? First of all, it is necessary to understand that mother has the right to women's happiness and personal life, she should not belong to children and devote herself entirely to them. And if the parent is happy and happy, it will favorably affect all members of the family.
It is easier to win the trust of a small child, and adolescents are wary of everything, they are keenly reacting to changes. If a new resident appears in the house (or will appear in the future), you should try to realize and accept this fact. But do not think that stepfather will radically change the situation in the house and the situation in the family. If he is wise and intelligent, he will adapt to the existing structure. The task of other family members is to help a new person.
If the impression about the stepfather is pleasant, it is good! Most likely, he is a really good person, and you should not assign him any non-existent negative qualities. If a person is unpleasant, you need to try to get to know him better in order to understand character traits and behavioral characteristics, to explain your attitude. If this does not work, time and patience will help.
Tip! If your stepfather behaves strangely or inappropriately, you should definitely tell your mom about it.
Relationships in the family will certainly improve, if all its members behave properly and deliberately.
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